“What’s worst, lookin’ jealous or crazy?
Jealous or crazy?…
Or…being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I’d rather be crazy”.
-Beyoncé
Me too honestly.
I’ve NEVER been the jealous type in relationships. If anything…I used to be too trusting. I’m always up for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I did have to learn the hard way, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” I had to learn to accept the decisions I made when it came to giving people multiple chances and make sure I took full responsibility for some of the outcomes.
For some reason, I am not a risk taker in any area of my life except in the area of relationships. It’s almost a passion to personally give a meaningful relationship all I have before giving up on it. This way, I have peace and understanding that if I walk away from someone, it’s over. I’ve tried my best, did everything I could at that time to make it work, all the chances and grace have been already given… and now I’m emotionally done. So with that being said… I’ve never gone back to an ex. For my heart’s sake, I feel like all the effort and vulnerability, etc., should be given while together, not when it’s too late and it’s over.
When my husband cheated on me for the last time, it was literally the straw that broke the camel’s back…and I was done. He didn’t want the separation. He didn’t want the divorce. He didn’t want her… he wanted to stay with me, to give it another chance…
But it was too late.
All the damage had now been done.
All the apologies, tears, and regrets about being with her couldn’t make up for all the times he had to simply change his mind and choose his wife. Had I said yes, he would have been right back with us and gave up the other woman… but then what? Trust was completely severed at this point, so my only assumption would only be that he probably would have tried to keep her on the side, as he had been doing, because now he’s established a whole relationship with her… and even just spent the entire week and weekend with her… so…
Nah. I’m good now.
Although I’ve never been outwardly jealous, in my mind, I was all types of crazy. Going to the hotel to smash up some stuff…and some people…crossed my mind. Throwing all his stuff out and setting it on fire Waiting to Exhale style seemed justifiable too. Sending her a message to, not so kindly, tell to find her own husband instead of talking to someone else’s seemed appropriate…
But I didn’t.
I decided to let my pride and my character and what was left of my emotional state, stay intact. I had to try and salvage something through this. In all those moments that I would have been justified in my crazy…I refused to let other people’s poor choices change ME into someone I wasn’t, nor wanted to become. I had full control over myself and wasn’t going to let my emotions dictate where my life was about to go all for some moments sake.
However…more importantly…
I wanted to be an example to my little girl who was now also going to be feeling the aftermath of these adult decisions against her will. She was too little to mentally understand what was happening, but I knew emotionally she was going to have some changes to get through and at all cost I had to think of how I was also going to protect that. For me, that meant that I just had to “eat up” all the hurt I just endured and quietly maneuver a plan to keep her safe, even when I didn’t feel the same covering.
One day my daughter is going to grow up into a beautiful woman and may herself meet a man with similar tendencies. She may also one day encounter women who disregard her relationships, or think her marriage is “only on paper”, or come across women who think it is ok to befriend a married man in such a capacity, and she may need wise and controlled counsel in such scenarios.
I will be that for her if those situations ever arise; although I pray she will never have to go through anything I ever did with men.
Will we be examples of jealousy or crazy in our relationships? Who are you making yourself into on account of someone’s else’s’ actions?
You are only responsible for yourself so the decision is ALWAYS yours.
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