conditional love. part one.

For the first time in my life, I realized that I have recently put conditions on my love for God. 

What an unsettling feeling it is to feel this way towards the God of the universe. 

It actually makes me feel sad, and I am now in a live process of having to check myself and reconcile those feelings as I strengthen who I am, again, in regards to Him. 

In every life trauma that I have experienced, I’ve always been able to reconcile my feelings in Him and know that He has a purpose for allowing those traumas to happen, and a purpose for my life thereafter. I’ve always been able to read or pray my way through my  feelings within a hardship, and find peace in the midst of sorrow. 

I’ve had a harder time with being able to do that recently, and when I say recently, I mean, the last 5 years and up to date. 

I recently remember myself crying and praying to God, sobbing to Him, “if you don’t fix this, I don’t know if I’ll ever believe in you again. I’m done.”

Those words actually blew my mind and I couldn’t believe I was saying them, but in the moment I meant every word.

My mind reverted from feeling like I knew so much about Him, to feeling like I knew nothing at all. “I know you can do it God, so why don’t you? Why didn’t you?”The fact that He can, and didn’t, and won’t for some, angered me… and I felt my spirit rebel.

I processed this for a while and realized…

“Dang, so if God doesn’t do what I want Him to do… I just won’t love Him anymore…. After all I know He’s done for me?”

That was an eye opener for me in this phase of life.

I feel like I’ve been walking with Him for too long to feel that way… 

And yet, here I am. Raw, un-healed, bleeding questions that yearn for His simple touch. 

In all this, there is still something innate that won’t let me just walk away from Him. 

No matter how I rebel, how angry or sad I get, I don’t know how to do anything else but to look to Him for comfort.

My circumstances have become very different, my experiences, my heart and mind… very different… but I know that God still remains the same. 

I’m having to dig a little deeper and look a little harder these days, but I know He’s there… 

Still patiently waiting for me to find my way…

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on

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