lemonade.

The visual and audio album, “Lemonade” by Beyoncé came out April 23rd, 2016. It was a concept album that followed her emotional journey regarding her husband’s infidelity in their marriage. 

I remember watching the visual album by myself at home in bed. My three year old daughter was sleeping, and I was wound down for the night ready to relax and have time to myself. I didn’t know what to expect with the video (I don’t think anyone did really) other than it was going to be great entertainment, per her usual work. 

I literally cried watching the entire thing.  

I cried because this was my emotional journey almost verbatim. The infidelity in my marriage had just filled me to an emotional point where I had just become so broken that I didn’t know how to fix myself through it anymore, and Beyoncé was giving me the entire soundtrack to my life in that moment. Tears flowing and heart full, I watched the entire thing TWICE… trying to figure out… which song I was going to end up on as the theme to my marriage. 

April of this year was so vivid because the 18th was our 7th year wedding anniversary.  We had been together for 10 years at this point in total, so regardless of any issues or problems, anniversary time was always a chance to change, make new goals, and reconnect. We booked a sitter and went out that weekend, as our exact anniversary day fell on that Monday. 

April 18th is also my mother’s birthday. She passed away when I was nine years old. When we got married, I thought it would be a nice way to have my mom with me on my wedding day by having us marry on her birthday, so that she too could be remembered. It was a very special day for me and a day that would never be forgotten. 

When that Monday finally came, text messages between my family and I celebrated my moms heavenly birthday. Social media notifications also filled my phone as friends wished us a happy anniversary as well. That morning, I woke up thinking about my mom, per usual, but also how blessed I was to see another anniversary, despite all we had gone through over the last few years,  I was mentally hopeful, although emotionally drained.

It was about 10am, and my husband was at work. I remember laying in bed, watching a morning talk show, and my daughter running around playing. As I was laying in bed, my phone was ringing with all types of random celebration messages… but one I received, in particular, wasn’t as celebratory.

It was screenshot after screenshot of unfamiliar texts in my Instagram messages between some female and my husband. Multiple lines of, “my wife doesn’t want me” from him were shared with her followed by, “but I’m not leaving her” and “I still love her”. I could see that she wanted more, and he wanted just enough to have his cake and eat it too. Message after message was sent to me of these flirty and inappropriate conversations, and I could tell they had been talking for a little while by her effort to share all of this evidence with me. She infuriated that he posted a picture of us on his social media for our anniversary (how dare he!), so she thought it appropriate to send me all the texts of their conversations followed by “I just thought you should know ” as her conclusion.

Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

This wasn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with this kind of situation so I wasn’t necessarily surprised…but I was hurt, especially with high hopes of starting a brand new year over that we desperately needed to reset. I read through all the messages line by line. I politely responded to her and thanked her for the messages. I told her that she seemed like a beautiful young woman who would want more for herself than to be with a married man, and that it would behoove her if she discontinued talking to my husband. I don’t remember the conversation in full after that point, but despite her efforts to evoke a dramatic respnse out of me, I just remember telling her a second time, rewording it, that it would be in her best interest to stop talking to my husband, so that in the future, she could be blessed with her own husband and not someone else’s’.

As soon as I said my piece, I blocked her. Minutes later, he calls me from work to try to beat her to the punch and inform me of what’s been going on before she did. He explained that met her at one of his shows he did out of state, and clearly they exchanged information and kept in touch. He said he tried to end it, and she kept contacting him after he told her to stop. He assumed she was mad that not only did he want to end it, but that she was jealous of the picture he posted of us, and she threatened to reach out to me and tell me about them if he didn’t take it down.

He was infuriated that she actually contacted me and shared that information with me. In his anger, he described her with a few choice words, and he swore to me that he tried to break it off with her and she didn’t want to. I remember specifically telling him, “don’t call her out of her name when you are the one that is married and had control over this entire situation. If you’re gonna play the game, this is how it’s played. You mess with young girls and play around, this the type of behavior you get back, and now you got caught ‘cuz she wanna tell on you. That’s your fault. Not hers.”

He agreed, and as his anger about being found out subsided, he began apologizing. He was so sorry for this happening, and on our anniversary at that. I didn’t really know what to say. I was numb. We literally were just reconciling some issues from a previous fall we were working through, and had decided to start over, make a clean slate, and work on our marriage. Then this happened.

A not so happy 7th year anniversary it was for me… and unfortunately…

It was the last one we’d ever have together. 

Photo by Ryan Baker on Pexels.com

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